Waiting on Happiness
by Jananae
Summary: How long does it take to find happiness? Tony's conflict after finding out about Ray's proposal to Ziva in "A Desperate Man". Oneshot. Tiva.


**A/N—I can imagine the internal turmoil that Tony went through in "A Desperate Man" was nothing short of a roller coaster ride. This is just a look at his thoughts in this great episode. Enjoy!**

_ *Ring*Ring*_

There's that private number again.

_*__Ring*Ring*_

I know it's him.

_*Ring*Ring*_

I know I shouldn't pick it up.

_*Ring*Ring*_

But he keeps _calling_.

_*Ring—*_

"Hello, this is Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo."

And, yep, that voice answers back without any introduction. "Tell Ziva to answer my call. I know she's there."

"Actually, she _isn't_. And I've been expressly forbidden from passing messages from you on, so I gotta go—"

"Wait!" A heavy sigh from the other end of the line. "Please. It's crucial that she meet and talk with me."

I shouldn't ask, I shouldn't ask, I shouldn't—

"What's so important now that you couldn't even be bothered to call about before?"

Another heavy sigh but nothing else.

"Alright, good luck getting hold of—"

"I'm proposing to her."

A ton of bricks. Definitely a blindside, to say the least. Silence.

"...Tony?"

Her empty desk stares at me a few feet away.

"Tony."

So many thoughts. Just so much. _Is he right for her? Is he a good person? Does she deserve more?...Is there even anyone else worth more to her?...Does he make her happy?_

"Tony..._please_ answer." Another desperate sigh.

…

I want her to be happy.

…

"Yeah...yeah, I'm still here."

I want her to be happy.

"Please. Can you just try to convince her to meet with me?"

_I want her to be happy._

"Um. Yeah...I can try..."

_I want her to be happy!_

A sigh of relief. "Thank you, thank you. But please, don't tell her anything."

"...Sure..."

"Thanks, Tony."

The call ends.

The phone is placed slowly back into its cradle. Her empty desk seems to be mocking me.

* * *

><p>A rooftop at night. We're walking across in the moonlight, working. I like doing this with her. Some of my favorite moments we've had were on the job. But...<p>

"You know, I'm gonna start charging your boyfriend minutes." I told him I'd try. A promise is a promise...

"Please tell me you have not spoken to Ray." More than I wish I had, unfortunately.

"Okay, I haven't spoken to Ray."

"Unbelievable, you're supposed to be on my side!"

"No, look! Guy's desperate. What am I supposed to do?" What _am_ I supposed to do?

"Stay out of it." I wish I could. And I can't help myself. I need to know. I _need_ to know if he makes her happy. I need to...

"Tell me what happened."

And she is. More than I thought she would. And she looks like she's about to cry. Oh God, I hate to see that look in her eyes.

"There was always something more important. And I was always..._left_ waiting..."

Left waiting. Does that kind of person deserve her...?

A flashlight in an adjacent building cuts this conversation short. I can't even think of convincing her right now to call him. Not after...

Another time.

Maybe.

* * *

><p>A slip of paper with a very familiar name. That's all it takes to cast that shadow of doubt once again.<p>

"Commander Burress knew Ray. Maybe tried reaching out to him."

Call it protective instinct or whatever you wanna label it. I just wanna look out for her. But...maybe Ray really _was_ just helping Burress. I don't know. My gut's torn on this.

"Ziva." But...I told him I'd try. If I can't convince her for him, then I can convince her for the sake of this case.

"Look, we need to find out if he worked with the Commander overseas, maybe he can tell us somethin' about her travels to Pakistan."

She'll find out soon enough what he wants.

"Ziva. We need to talk to him."

In any case...this is her choice.

"I'll go. Alone."

Whoever makes her happiest...

* * *

><p>"Jumping in feet first, David?" Do I even wanna know?<p>

"I am seriously considering it." No. No, I didn't want to know.

"Wooow! Great...So why the...shift?" What could have possibly changed?

"I guess I just, I _don't_ want to live with regrets, you know?"

…Living with regrets. Never have truer words been spoken. Did I screw up again? I feel like a final chance just passed me by...

* * *

><p>"It's okay to ask for help, you know."<p>

"I do not need help, Tony. I am fine." Oh, but she isn't. She doesn't like to admit it (least of all to me), but it's easy to tell when she needs a little boost now and then. For someone who's generally very secretive, she often wears that heart of her's on her sleeve. And right now, that heart's got some visible fractures in it.

When it comes to her, often times it's best to simply be forward. Never skirt the issue. Just...talk.

"Listen, don't beat yourself up. There's no way you could've seen it coming. No way _any_ of us could've seen that coming. You'll find someone. Someday." Someone, someday. It seems it's always been that way with her: Keep looking forward, things will get better.

"I'm not sure I want to. I do not think 'children' and 'marriage' are part of the plan for me right now. And I am fine with that. Perfectly..._perfectly_ content with my life." But...she isn't. She's tired of waiting for Someday. She's just...tired of Waiting.

"Mmm. Content. But are you happy?" Yes, there's a big difference. Being "content" is just accepting the current situation for what it is. Being "happy" is more than just accepting. It's deciding that what you have can't be beat. It's not needing or wanting anything more. It's choosing the present circumstances over all others. And she's not. I know she's not. Content? Sure. Happy?

No.

But..._I_ want her to be happy.

"Are you?" Answering a question with a question. An aversion technique of her's that I'm all too familiar with. A code that means, "Under no circumstances will I answer that question at this time." I suppose I can wait a little longer.

* * *

><p>"So how long've you two been together?" I know we've been asked this more than once, but this time feels...different, somehow.<p>

"Oh no, we're not a couple."

"Just coworkers."

"_And_, friends."

"Yes, yes. Very, good friends," I smile. She said it, not me: More than just coworkers.

"That's good, that's, uh, real good. You hang onto that. You never know when you're gonna need somebody to be there." He has no idea how right he is.

"Cherish each other, that's all I'm sayin'. Everyday."

And I hope to.

So am I happy?...Are _we_ happy...?

Looking down at her with a smile, I think we're getting there.

**A/N—Thank you very much for taking the time to read! Feel free to review, comment, and criticize. Until next time, happy reading!**


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